Dear Single Girlfriends,
I’ve been feeling lately like things have changed between us. It seems like you have been avoiding my calls. Correct me if I’m wrong, but have you blocked me on social media? I notice you no longer comment on the photos I post twice a day of my kids. I thought I was making it easier for you to stay consistently updated on my children’s physical and emotional developments by hash tagging their names and tagging you in every picture. I am worried I still have not received your RSVP to the Elsa and Anna themed birthday party at the skating rink. What I am trying to say is just because I’ve got a couple kids and have not seen a nightclub in a few years doesn’t mean I can’t be fun. So tell me it’s not over between us.
We don’t need to break up just because I have kids now.
1. I Have a Large Car For Road Trips.
Just because I drive a car with three rows littered with Pirate’s Booty doesn’t mean I’ve become a total loser. Let’s go on a road trip. I can make room for you in the second row wedged between the booster chair and infant car seat base. The trunk has plenty of room for a stroller and your luggage.
2. My House is Filled With Bottles
Choose your poison. I’ve got plenty of wine, tequila, and Dr. Brown’s Natural Flow leak free bottles that can accommodate formula.
3. Unlike Other People, I Like To Leave My House
I understand my recent wardrobe and lack of attention to my hair would lead you to a different conclusion, but I can take it up a notch if given the opportunity to have someone else dry my hair and apply my makeup. In fact I am assuming based on your Facebook and Instagram feeds you like to go out regularly. Why don’t you let me tag along for old times sake?
4. Can Condense a Wild Night Into 3 Hours
You want to have fun? I’ll take you for a spin on the fun train. Just know that it will be a three hour ride and I might have to take a phone call at some point in the evening so I can make sure my house isn’t on fire and the kids are alive. Other than that we are good to go. I am going to maximize the three hours we are together. Those single friends of yours will drag you out all night long. Not me. You can be home before the 11 o’clock news.
5. Tell Me Everything
Unlike your other friends I want to hear all about your sordid dating life. I will enjoy every single glorious detail.
6. I Dance!
I might not be up to date on dance moves, but I will get down. Just give me a couple of hours so I can watch Dancing With the Stars clips on YouTube.
I am your ideal wing woman. I look at it sales and will not rest until I close the deal for you. (Unless, of course, I’ve got to get back to pay the babysitter).
8. You Still Look Great!
Childbirth hasn’t left your face ashen and full of cracks. Stand next to me and let all the men of the bar admire you.
9. I Would Love To Be Bored with You
You’ve had a long week and don’t feel like doing anything but sit on your coach and watch reality television shows? Count me in! I will bring the chips and guacamole.
10. My Kids = Your Future Assistants
Why do you think I have a son? So at some point you can have someone move you into your new apartment and only have to pay them in Doritos. I had daughters so you can color code your shoe collection. You can repay them with barrettes and lip-gloss. My offspring = free labor.
All I ask in return is for you to look at one picture of my children and tell me they are adorable. Tell me I look exactly as I did on my wedding day. Tell me I am just as fun as I was before I released human beings from my uterus. That’s it.
So where are we going on Friday night?