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(WARNING: This WILL make you laugh. Hard.) "How to Torture Your Parents in Quarantine: A Maniacal Toddler’s Speech to His Cult, on Zoom"

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Photo Credit: Lochness Digital/Reddit

My fellow pre-schoolers,

Poopie, poopie, poopie!

( toddlers chanting back) Poopie, poopie, poopie!

I’ve gathered all the most detestable, irritating behaviors to torture your parents with during lockdown, and I expect full compliance from now through the end of May. Mrahahahha.

  1. First, you’ve got to eff up their sleep. After they’ve put in a 14 hour day, you must extend the bedtime ritual. Feign dehydration. Add tantrums. Cry for things they can’t possibly provide, like the shitty claw machine dolphin toy you left at Grandma’s house in Minnesota two months ago.
  2. Parents secretly think you’re going to sleep in after a grueling bedtime. Here’s what to do: creep into their bedroom, no later than 6 am, get close to a face, and scream, “I’m scared of my curtains!!!!”
  3. Proceed to crawl into their bed and dig your toenails into the softest part of their flesh.
  4. Kick them in the balls. Or bagina. Either one will do.
  5. During the day, run naked into their zoom meetings. If you’re not a toddler nudist, you can still dominate by taking a piece of pizza and slapping them in the face with it while they’re presenting to their boss.
  6. Sneeze into their mouth. Let them know you know they don’t like it.
  7. Do it again. But splashier.
  8. Force a cough and don’t cover it. Is it allergies? A cold? SARS?
  9. Lick them.
  10. Pretend you’re going to kiss them. Lick them again.
  11. Request food you know they don’t have. Tantrums don’t stop for a pandemic.
  12. Demand cherries.
  13. Cry and throw your body on the floor for cherries. Lick the floor.
  14. Spill things that stain; smoothies, chocolate milk, mommy’s special juice.
  15. Use a permanent marker on the dog.
  16. Do not be entertained by anything for more than four minutes. #thegreatpause does not exist in this house.
  17. Moisten all the toilet paper. I do not care with what, but it is precious, so make theirs soggy. Pee-pee? Dog Bowl? Don’t care.
  18. Do not, under any circumstances, allow your parent to have more than a five-minute-train-of-thought. Have you heard of waterboarding? This works better.
  19. Tell everyone every time you fart.
  20. Refuse to sit in the chair you farted in.
  21. Later, on FaceTime with Grandma, ask her if she smelled you fart from Minnesota.
  22. Say, “I love you.” Then say “I hate you.Give them the emotional rollercoaster of a lifetime and see if that attachment parenting style holds up now, poopie heads.
  23. When your mommy finds cherries after visiting 12 grocery stores, risking her life, tell her you effing hate cherries.
  24. Wake up any and all siblings and pets at 3 am. Demand breakfast.
  25. Do the Exorcist scream every time your parents start a movie on Disney +, and you’ve watched it before, and it’s not at the beginning.
  26. Pick your nose. Eat it. Touch their face.
  27. Cry every time a parent tries to water or feed themselves.
  28. Let them poop. But not in peace.
  29. Ask to play a game on their iPhone. The correct swipe combo will allow you to prank call 911. Pro tip: breathe heavily into the phone and answer no questions.

This meeting is adjourned. Poopie, poopie, poopie!

(all) Poopie, poopie, poopie!

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