Like many parents, I have guilt on a daily basis about not spending enough time with my son. I work. He goes to school and has a few activities. I manage a slew of health challenges. But his five years of life are more than a blur. I look at old videos and photos and it almost seems like I'm watching a dated episode of a TV show based on my life. I see myself singing and making jokes, on vacations and adventures, at parks, many trips to the dinosaur museum and splash parks. I hear his laugh on videos and it brings me back to those moments, in those places on the screen. Again, it still feels so far away.

Much like my son, I can't sit still. And COVID-19 anxiety is making that unease even more powerful. Today, I took a rare break from work or dealing with some sort of human or dog insurance issue, and we went to the pharmacy. It was a 15 min walk, and he stomped in puddles and pulled branches, and scared the crap out of me at least five times on a very busy street. I made a conscious effort to squeeze him rather than get upset. I knew I had about one hour of time with him to create memories and embrace his fleeting fifth year of life. We bought Starburst and ate them before dinner on our walk home. He told me about which dinosaurs are fake and which are real, he asked me to look up the second largest fish in the world, and he babbled about some annoying toys that he can't stop thinking about (I won't name them in fear of giving them more power in my life). He cried because the frigid wind was scary, we hugged until the burst past, and then he ran home from the end of the block. I almost forgot how much he loves to run home from the end of the block.

COVID-19 is stressful and [insert curse word] annoying. But it is also a wake-up call. Life is short and fragile, unpredictable and chaotic. My resolution is to take more walking and talking breaks. My son and I both can't sit still, so why not do it together. Hoping to make more memories that feel present and not like intervals of a digital picture frame. Here's to looking up the 8th largest shark!