To my son with profound autism,
I’m sorry I didn’t try medication sooner.
I’m sorry that I was more concerned with side effects than possibilities.
I’m sorry you lived in an anxious mess of a mind for years because of my pride.
I’m sorry I assumed the worst and how it would affect you.
I’m sorry I hindered your abilities because of my inability to broaden my horizons.
I’m sorry I limited your communication when medication would have clarified your needs.
I’m sorry I restricted you from your siblings because the aggression, without meds, made you dangerous.
I’m sorry I sighed in resignation and helplessness over the thought of raising you forever when all you needed was a little help.
I’m sorry it took a global pandemic and a total shut down of the world as we knew it to set aside my pride & request something, anything, out of desperation.
I’m sorry for the years of progress I may have stolen from you because I was sure that medication would do more harm than good.
Son, I’m not suggesting that medication is always the answer or even your long term solution, but it has enabled your best life right here, right now & for that, I’m thankful.
From this day forward, I vow to be more open minded. I vow to continue learning & growing & expanding my ability to consider other possibilities & I vow to assume the best. I vow to never stop fighting for you.
I love you Lucas Aaron.
This was a difficult post to write & even more difficult to put out into the world, but I know there is a caregiver somewhere who needs to read these words. They need permission to look at options.