Ah, siblings, the tormentors of the soul and the reality slappers of life. Siblings don’t care about boosting their sister’s fragile self-esteem or protecting their brother from the sure sting of football team failure and they certainly don’t give a rat’s ass about navigating the hormonal minefield that is adolescence. Oh no, siblings just wade right on into the middle of that muddled mess saying all of those life truths that we parents gingerly sidestep. Things such as:
Yeah, it was totally your fault your team lost. You suck.
Why do you look like that? Is that on purpose?
The way you breathe…it’s super annoying.
I can’t tell if that haircut is hysterical or just plain awful. I say don’t leave the house for a month, at least.
Maybe, just maybe, it’s not the outfit that is making your butt look huge. Maybe it’s time to cool it on all those Frappuccinos.
I just read your “journal” and God, was it boring! Seriously, get a life already. Oh, and stop being so pathetic, that cool guy is never going to ask you out.
Yes, that science teacher totally hates your guts.
You. Can’t. Sing. You. Will. Never. Be. A. Famous. Singer.
Is that a pimple or a tumor on your forehead? That thing belongs in the Guinness Book of World Records! Where is my phone? I need to Snapchat that now.
Why are you wasting your time reading all that Shakespeare crap? Haven’t you ever heard of Spark Notes?
Hahahaha! How embarrassing! Of course everyone saw you! And believe me, tomorrow at school, they are ALL going to be talking about it.
If you EVER touch my stuff again, I will post that picture of your ginormous tumor- zit online.
Yes, siblings are the humble makers and bull-crap cutters, but along with all of their never-ending tactless observations they also occasionally throw out these two gems:
“What did he (she) say to you? I’ll kill him!”
“OMG, Mom and Dad are soooo weird!”
And it is these last two truths that are really the most important because they confirm that even though it doesn’t look it or sound like it, your siblings actually do have your best interests at heart and like it or not, you are bonded together forever by your weird, weird parents.