Just me and older two sons (1st-age 11, 2nd-age 10, me-age 42) watching Gladiator when 2nd son begins penis talk. FYI, there is an excessive amount of talk centered around the size of people’s penises, I mean, inordinate.
2nd: Sometimes, my penis gets straight.
Me: That's called an erection.
1st: Do people really call it that?
2nd: I call it my superpower.
Me: It happens because your penis has a job to do.
1st: What?! A job?
2nd: Yep, it has to mate.
Me: What so you know about mating?
Me: (Mate? Wtf)
2nd: It happens in Minecraft. Their bodies go into each other.
1st: That's just a glitch. It only happens every now and then with the villagers and poof, they have a baby.
Me: (My children watch porn)
Me: When people are married or in love, they may choose to mate.
Me: (The word mate is perfectly hysterical and horrible)
Me: The penis goes into the vagina to get sperm to the egg.
1st: What?! that's gross.
2nd: I'm never going to be able to sleep.
1st: You will never mate anyways.
Me: (A bleak future)
Me: It's not only mating, but called making love or sex. Sexual intercourse.
1st: I wish you hadn't told me that.
Me: I know. I'm sorry. Any questions?
2nd: What are your toes for?
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