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Challenge: Pregnancy and Infant Loss

The Moment a Shirt Reminded Me of the Heartbreaking Loss of My Child

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Dear Son, I thought of you today. I was walking through the store, looking at clothes for your sister, when this shirt caught my eye. It was size 4, the perfect fit if you were alive today.

The preppy shirt is exactly what I imagine you wearing, a classic look to match your sweet disposition. The green and blue colors would look perfect on you, complementing your messy blonde “Parker hair.” I found myself pulling out my phone and snapping a picture, wanting that reminder of what could have been.

The last time I bought you clothing was the outfit you wore as you passed away in my arms on August 16, 2013… a day I will never forget.

Dear Son, I thought of you today.

As I stared at that Polo shirt, I wondered what your life would be like today. Would you be into building things like your dad? Or would you be in the kitchen baking brownies with me? Would you get along with your rambunctious sister or would roll your eyes each time she has a meltdown? So many questions that will never be answered. It’s the unfortunate reality for those of us grieving parents who never get to watch their children grow up.

Dear Son, I thought of you today.

As I left the store I thought of your short life. I thought of your angelic personality, evident even at only a few days old. I thought about the tremendous love your father and I could feel the moment we first met you and the lives you touched in those 55 days here on earth. I thought about how lucky I was to meet you and how so many parents never even get that chance, instead losing their children to miscarriage or stillbirth.

Dear Son, I thought of you today…

As I got into my car, I reached my hand up to my necklace. I rubbed my fingers over the initials P & A, always holding my two children in Heaven close to my heart. I often wonder what you and your triplet sister are doing in Heaven. Are you watching over us as we play with your sister who survived? Are you having your own play date with other sweet children above?

Dear Son, I thought of you today.

I thought of you yesterday and the day before that. And I will think of you every single day of my life. You and your sister may no longer be here, but you will never be forgotten.

A version of this originally appeared at Perfectly Peyton.

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