Out of nowhere a few days ago, my daughter and I were engaged in a tug-of-war match between her will and mine. She refused to listen and threw cruel, sassy words at me. I couldn't control it anymore and I erupted emotionally like Mount St. Helens.
Anger, rage, control ... all of it spewed out of my heart uncontrollably and onto my precious daughter. Guilt, shame, and fear flooded my heart, mind, and soul. Feelings of hopelessness over swept me like a turbulent river.
I didn't like who I became in that moment. Words of condemnation filled my heart:
- You're not a good mom
- She'll always remember this
- Other moms don't struggle like you do
- What's wrong with you?
Those voices of condemnation have tried to own me these past few days. While I know they aren't true, and forgiveness is always within reach, I'm struggling big time.
To say the least, 2020 has started off rocky in motherhood. So I've reached out to those who love me for help. To trusted friends who I know will pray and support me. I'm taking the wise counsel from those I trust and today, I'll walk into my first counseling session ever. I'm nervous and scared. But, I'm going.
I'm hopeful to gain necessary and practical tools to help me love my children better. To learn how not to react to everything that feels like a target being shot at me all day. To learn humility and better coping mechanisms for managing my children whom I love with all my heart.
Today, I'll drive 45 minutes to see my counselor (in a different state in fact). I will be strong and brave and remember I'm not the only one who struggles. While my heart pounds as I write this (and it's not just my Diet Dr. Pepper), I resolve to be a different kind of mom this year. One who is peaceful, calm, patient and more loving. One who builds a home of peace.
I know it will take grit, determination, humility, sacrifice, pain, and much more. But I'm resolved to get my anger issues under control. Join me?
Samantha Krieger is a pastor’s wife and mom to 4. She is the author of Quiet Time: A 30-day Devotional Retreat for Moms in the Trenches. Her writing appears regularly on Her View From Home, TODAY Parenting, KirkCameron.com, and For the Family. Connect with her on Instagram and Facebook.