I spent my afternoon yesterday delivering "New Baby Meals" to a couple of my dear friends that were recently blessed with beautiful additions to their families.
What is it exactly about a brand spankin' new baby that is so good for the heart and soul?
It's like these teeny tiny people are an adorable package of hope, peace and possibility. The realization that miracles are absolutely possible and that there will always be light in darkness (okay, I'm starting to sound like Dumbledore, but you catch my drift.)
As I was driving home from my visits, I found myself reflecting on my own motherhood experiences. Although these particular "new" mommies aren't "first-timers," nearly every mama I know is on the lookout for new tips and tricks to survive motherhood. I personally love a good hack or a busted mommy myth.
So, I've compiled a short list of Real Life Mom Hacks, Tips & Fables for your education and pleasure.
Grab a glass of cheap wine and enjoy!
The Mysterious Stain
That mysterious spot you find on the couch, your clothes, the carpet or the curtain?
It's probably poop. There's a slight chance it may be snot, juice or milk, but always assume it's poop. Just wash it.
Although not scientifically proven (yet), in the average household, the mother's back is, in fact, the only back that actually bends. Which completely explains the age old question of "Why can't my husband pick up his dirty socks?"
That Mysterious Smell
That smelly smell you smell every time you walk past a certain space or room in your house?
It's probably poop. Always assume it's poop. Start your frantic search for the source of offending smell immediately.
Mediocrity Killed the Cat
False news, friends. Being a mediocre mom is awesome. No overly high Pinterest-y expectations, but people don't think you're a total loser either. You're just an 'OK-ish' Mom and it's truly glorious to be stuck in the middle.
The Mysterious Taste
You know that time you find the cereal bar on the kitchen counter that looks as though it's been barely eaten so you figure, what the heck, no need for good food to go to waste (plus you realize you yourself haven't eaten in over 8 hours)?! You pop it in your mouth and notice that not-quite-right taste? Yeeaaaahhhh. Just don't eat it. #itsprobablypoop
The Rule of 3
Have a house full of boys that wrestle? A home full of girls that cat fight? Maybe a mix of boys and girls that all to attack each other like feral, wild animals? And no matter how many times you tell them to "STOP" or try to intercede they just can't seem to keep their hands (feet, arms, legs, ankles, elbows, chins, shoulders, etc) off of each other?! Then it's time to just go with the Mother's Golden Rule of 3: Broken, Bleeding or Dying. As in: "Unless you're broken, bleeding or dying, don't come crying to me!"
Alcohol Impairs Your Judgement
Fact. Yes, yes it absolutely-oodely does and this is why we fellow mothers love it (need it?) after a long, exhausting day. It's also been known in 'certain circles' to be the culprit for the "additions" to a family (just sayin').
To sum it all up; to me motherhood is a full circle of never-ending cleaning, poop and refereeing while holding a liquid cup of sanity (coffee or wine - depending on the day) all intertwined with a whole lot of love and fun in between.
Seriously though, Mommyhood is truly an amazing journey that I have learned to adore for all of its craziness and expertly duck all of the curveballs it throws at me.
Oh, and as an "added bonus" (as if it couldn't get any better), I have gained the superpower of identifying smells faster than a dog in search of bacon. So, there's that.