I had my first COVID pregnancy breakdown yesterday.
I have really tried to keep a positive perspective during this pregnancy and pandemic but yesterday I kind of hit a wall. It was my 20 week scan and third appointment my husband was not allowed to come to. My hopes were that I would be able to get pictures, videos, or even face time, for Ry, but the very first thing the nurse told me was “No FaceTime, no videos, and no pictures.” My heart kind of sank. I was kind of surprised and didn't ask why or demand that I should be allowed to because if our country wasn't in the state it was in due to COVID, he would be there. She was apologetic and assured me she would give me ultrasound pictures to bring home and we started the scan. It was wonderful to see baby girl and watch her move. But I could barely even make it into my car before the tears were streaming down my cheeks.
Ughh....Sometimes I feel like I have been robbed of moments during this pregnancy that I should be able to share with Ryan, my family, and friends. There is disappointment, frustration, and sadness. And there is also hormones that make me even more emotional. Like many pregnant mothers, this is not how I envisioned my pregnancy. It comes with a lot of uncertainty, unknown, and fears.
And while I truly believe staying positive is important, especially during these times, I think it is also important to acknowledge your feelings. It is okay to feel sad, disappointed, etc. These are unprecedented times and a lot of unknown. I feel like I was not allowing myself to really feel the loss of the many things I am not able to experience like I normally would because I felt guilty for feeling disappointed, but WE are allowed to feel disappointed, sad, frustrated, angry... And it is okay to have those hard days.
My heart feels so much for all the pregnant mamas-the ones delivering now or delivered during this pandemic, the mamas half way through their pregnancy, the first time mamas, the mamas sitting alone in the doctor's office learning receiving difficult news about their baby, the mamas going into labor and delivery wondering how they are going to labor with a mask on, the anxious mamas, the newly pregnant mamas, all the mamas-I see you and am here with you in all the emotions.
For me, it is helpful to focus on my baby girl. She is healthy and growing, and that is the most important thing. I will allow myself to feel on those hard days and then I will choose to focus on all the good. This pregnancy has been smooth, a whirlwind compared to the triplets, and I will choose to rejoice in those things and celebrate my milestones as we are half way there! And in those roller coaster emotions, I will continue to remind myself that I am not alone.