I feel like an jerk.
Pardon my language, but I do.
And, I know that I'm not -- in the same way that I know I'm going to need a trenta-sized iced coffee in the morning -- yet still, I feel like a donkey.
And, here's why.
Because I feel like all I have done lately is complain.
Not so much to you all or even very loudly, but to those close to me -- my spouse, kids, family, and close friends -- it's really all I have done since, say, June.
That's a crap-ton of ungrateful rambling and word vomiting of negativity.
About four months worth.
What has me in such a foul mood?
Lots of it.
But nothing horrible.
Nothing terrible or unimaginable, and that my friend is why I feel like a jerk.
So here's what's been up with me.
-- House had a leak and kitchen needs major repair. Been out since mid-June and looking at a return just before Thanksgiving.
-- Been Airbnb hopping and working on a third move tomorrow. Sounds likes a good time, but when you are trying to stay near schools and activities, stay within a budget insurance will approve, and find a big enough home to house five people, two dogs, and their belongings, it ain't easy.
-- Husband has been traveling more for work.
-- Dogs getting old and crapping in the house every day.
-- Laundry is in overdrive, and I've got a pea-sized washer and dryer at my current place.
-- My car went haywire this week. Literally, as I was driving, the vehicle freaked the fudge out, and every emergency indicator went off, as did the tv, wipers, and the air, and then the windows wouldn't work.
-- There's evidence of a rat (or two) living in my mid-remodel home thanks to shotty work by workers keeping our floor covered when they removed the subfloor.
Fun freakin' times.
And, all this fun, it has me on anxiety's edge, and what this is doing to me is making me a constant complainer, and I'm feeling a hell of a lot of guilt over that.
But, here's the thing --
Each of us is dealing with shit.
Some of it more serious, some of it less.
Some of it very serious to us, some of it not such a big deal to others when they compare it to what they are going through.
So, we've just got to be grateful and kind -- each of us to each other and ourselves.
I need to be more grateful that I have a house, can afford homeowners insurance, and that though it's moving very slowly and via an excruciating process, my home is getting repaired, and I'll have it to return too.
I need to be grateful that I have so many people in my life to love and that I get the opportunity to help keep them clothed in both love and their garments even if it means a buttload of freakin' time spent on laundry.
I need to be grateful for a husband with a well-paying job who is willing to work his ass off to support our family.
I need to be grateful that I can afford a car and thankful that there are people in this world hard at work trying to fix mine for me.
Has life been a bit stressful?
Isn't all of life?
Also heck yes.
But, when shiitake is not hitting the fan like it is currently, life flippin' rocks -- maybe not on the day-to-day, but in the big scheme of things.
I'm married to man who loves me very much, who helped me make three kids whom love me very much and we have two pets whom we love very much, and we live in a state we like with family we love, and we all try to find some time each day to do a little bit of what it is we love to do.
What it is that I don't love to do is complain, and, by God, I've been doing far too much of that lately.
Please don't get me wrong and think that I'm suggesting that any of us can never vent about the crap the Universe sends our way.
In fact, I think verbally disposing of your disdain for things, matters, and situations can be cathartic and healthy.
BUT, I've also come to realize and now believe wholeheartedly that if I want to feel like less of arse, I've got to stop making one out of myself by letting nonsense irk me to the point of growls, tears, motor-mouthing and breakdowns.
I learned a crucial lesson about life a few years back, and that's how it can change on a dime.
And, that's why I can't waste any more of mine -- not another damn dime of my time -- moaning and groaning about how things could and should be better.
I'm the one that could and should be better, and so I can, and I will.
Make peace with yourself and the uncertainty that is every day, and your mind will be calmer, and so will your environment, and that, my friend, sounds very much like a place I want to stay.