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Challenge: Life Changes

Moments in motherhood that changed me.

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So you peed on the stick. Two pink lines and that’s it. You’re a mom now. Your life is forever changed. Motherhood is a series of events that never ends that is constantly reminding you of a love you never knew you could experience. But it’s also a constant state of fear, misery, exhaustion, exhilaration, pride, wisdom, and an all consuming love that you stay in at all times.

I was 21 years old when I found I was pregnant with Riley. 21?! I could just now legally buy a damn beer and I have a human growing in me. Anxiety much? Mark and I had just gotten engaged and we had so many plans. We were going to get our first home and travel. We were planning the wedding & honeymoon of our dreams! New Years Eve was coming up, we made plans to go to the Ritz Carlton and dance the night away while drinking champs! {of course} we even went out and got fancy little outfits to wear and couldn’t wait!

Hair and makeup are ready, just gotta pee real quick before I change into my mini cocktail dress. Hmm maybe I’ll take a random pregnancy test just for kicks.

POSITIVE. WTF. What is happening. I can’t move. I can’t even leave the bathroom. Omg what am I going to do. Is mark going to be happy? Are my parents going to be mad? I’m. So. Scared.

Babe I’m pregnant. Well he is excited and super cool and relaxed. {as usual} I’m hyperventilating.

My parents. Well they were a little shocked, but soon got over it.

We rushed the wedding. And I mean like a week later. We planned it in a little under 3 days. It really was a miracle it turned out like it did. Thankfully marks mom is a florist, and his grandmother and aunt live on a gorgeous cotton field. We have a great family that pulled together to make the sweetest little country wedding.

Well pregnancy begins. Not too shabby the first time around. Well actually it got a little weird at the end with a rare pregnancy rash called PUPPS. We will get into that another day. Another blog post. Let’s talk about the time I couldn’t feel movement in my stomach.

First groundbreaking moment of motherhood. Well I was just shy of 17 weeks, we went to an early ultrasound place and found out the gender, it’s a girl. She had been pretty active lately. One morning I feel nothing. I call my mom. It’s normal sometimes the baby rests and doesn’t move all the time ash. Anxiety is elevating. Couple hours go by, still nothing. What’s happening? I’m scared. Call my doctor in a terrified voice asking if I should feel it and when it stops moving and he calmly says “Ashley, come on in, let’s check on things” oh god. I’m so scared. I can’t breath. I’m shaking. I can barely drive to the doctors office. I wait in the lobby just waiting to puke on the floor from nerves. Finally I’m back in the room. The doctor gets the heart monitor out of the drawer at the speed of a snails pace. He places it on my stomach and searches around for the quick beat. I’m dying. I’m literally almost about to pass out from my racing heart and my anxiety and then there it is. The fast, fluttering heart beat of my sweet angel baby. Tears streamed from my eyes and my heart burst with a happiness I have never experienced. I call my husband sobbing and can barely speak. He is freaking out yelling what is wrong? Is she ok? And I yell she is fine babe, her heartbeat was beating so fast and healthy. I’m sobbing in the OB/GYN parking lot. I literally almost fell to my knees with happiness that my angel was ok. That she was still going strong, heart beating like a little champ. I have never in my life up to that moment felt any of those feelings that strong before. It was like I instantly became a mother in that moment and I was forever changed. Riley was born healthy as ever and those happiness feelings were back again, tears of joy, overwhelming love.

A couple years go by of millions of life changing motherhood moments that I experience wth my first sweet angel girl. Then we are pregnant again! It’s a boy we were convinced. Nope it’s a girl. Ella will be her name. Well we are at the ultrasound where they check her anatomy out. This should be a breeze, been there, done that.

“Your baby has abnormal spots on her brain & colon areas, these are red flags for birth defects”

I can’t breath. Tears stream from my eyes. I’m sobbing. I can’t move. Mark grabs my hand as my heart slowly crushes.

“Everything will be ok, we will do some test and let you know in a couple weeks with a follow up ultrasound”

A couple dreadful, depressing, anxiety ridden weeks go by. I’m back for the ultrasound. The doctor put the ultrasound monitor on my stomach at the rate of a snails pace. I almost pass out from my racing heart. They move the wand around and there it is. No abnormal spots.

“Your baby looks great, the spots have gone away and everything looks healthy and perfect”

My heart burst with a happiness that was all too familiar. My baby angel was ok. She was healthy and growing like a champ. And in that moment I changed even more. Ella was born. Healthy as ever.

Since that day I have felt even more feelings watching my two girls play and grow with each other. I can’t imagine my life without children. I was born to be a mother. Every single day I experience moments that make me a terrified, anxious, wise, strong, loving person & mother.

Just some more of my mommy moments 💕


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