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Challenge: Pregnancy and Infant Loss

Loss isn't easy

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I got pregnant in December of 2018 by my current boyfriend. We had only been together a month at that time, and we knew it was a lot to have happen, but we were going to do it. I was three weeks along when I had a positive pregnancy test. We were scared and excited, at least I was. I went to all my prenatal appointments as scheduled from the day I found out. I had an issue feeling light headed and it was pretty severe, so we went to the ER. I thought it was from my anemia, but little did I know, it wasn't. I had an ultrasound at the ER and the Dr came back and said I had a subchorionic hemorrhage in the placenta. This is something that does not heal by medication or surgery. I was told it can go away or it may not, but there's nothing anyone can do. I had some spotting sometime after that visit and I had a midwife at the time and she advised bed rest is the best thing and she has seen women heal from it. I did as she specified and hoped for the best. My next ultrasound which was about three weeks later and I was nine weeks pregnant, would be the one giving me the news I never expected. I laid down on the table and my doctor started the ultrasound. I looked at the monitor and then said I didn't see the heart beating. The doctor agreed and he kept checking then gave me the sad news. I broke down immediately and had to go get an official ultrasound at the hospital. This was not what I wanted to deal with. I had called my boyfriend while he was at work and as soon as he was off, he came over. We shared tears and we comforted each other, him more than me. My heart was broken and I was sad knowing this was it for us. I had a D&C two days later. I am now no longer able to have babies because I had surgery to help with really bad bleeding during my periods called an ablation and then a tubal. I can't take birth control and I didn't have many options. My boyfriend and I spoke about it and I have two lovely daughters and he has an older daughter and we realized we are happy with the family we have and I had to do what was best for my body.

I am okay with the decision, although I still very very sad about it. It's something I know is best and it takes a lot of time to overcome the deep sadness of loss, but eventually it fades, but is never forgotten.

Jack and I

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