This is what losing a baby does to you.
It grinds down your innocence to a dust that clings to everything you see. So when you're scrolling through Instagram and your eyes rest on a meme like this one, your grief-stricken heart finishes the sentence before your eyes do.
What should be a funny quote about burgeoning motherhood becomes a dark, morbid thought that you feel ashamed for even thinking.
"Who thinks like this?" you say to yourself.
The answer is – you might.
If you have lost a baby, you might think thoughts like this. I know I do. I used to be ashamed because I thought it made me appear damaged and scary to share thoughts like this.
Well, I'm not ashamed.
Losing a child has changed me.
I know how scary it is to think about things like baby registries when you've never made one or had to return every item. I know what it's like for your heart to feel so bitter because you can't even read a meme without those thoughts of loss and grief swirling around inside of you. I can relate to the mixture of fear and envy you feel when you see a woman who seems so carefree in her pregnancy.
You wish you could be like her and just laugh at a little joke. You also feel afraid that she might learn the reason why you can't giggle so freely anymore.
I'm sharing this because I want you to know that when you have thoughts like this, you are not alone.
You don't think this way because you are broken. You think this way because you have been through a tragedy that has changed your perspective. Sometimes this new perspective gives you a better angle and sometime it clouds your vision. Sometimes, it's neither – it's just different.
Because you are different. You have changed.
Losing a baby does that to you.
Originally published on the author's Facebook page, An Unexpected Family Outing