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I’m not ashamed to mourn the daughter I’ll never have

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I’m gonna put this out there unapologetically. Jesus already knows. There’s no reason to hide it.

Sometimes I mourn the daughter I’ll never have.

Yes I said it. I’m not ashamed.

I am a boy mom through and through. I love everything about my chaotic little monsters. But I would be lying if I said there wasn’t a little part of me that will always feel a tiny bit let down that I’ll never have a daughter.

I love sports and nerf guns and legos. I could do without the superheroes but thankfully my husband is just as into them as my sons. It would be nice to have one other person in this house that doesn’t whip it out and pee on a tree at any given moment.

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Photo: me circa 1985

There is a part of me that wishes I had someone’s hair to braid or little toenails to paint. Someone to go shopping with and who gets into my makeup to experiment with lipstick. A little girl who confides in me and looks to me for advice about boys and life’s challenges. I’m a proud working woman and I would love to have a little girl to teach the importance of owning your own dreams and never letting anyone stop you from achieving them.

I was a spitfire of a kid. My personality and attitude matched my massive curly mop on top of my head. I played sports religiously (basketball into college) and had a mouth on me that would rival an angry hyena any day of the week. Maybe this was God’s way of sparing me the headache I was for my mom (sorry mom). But it still makes me sad to know I’ll never experience a mother daughter bond.

Before you get all steamed up over gender neutrality and all that jazz, I will support my sons in whoever and whatever they want to be. That doesn’t change the fact that I will never have a daughter.

We lost a pregnancy very early on before the twins. We also have 11 high quality frozen embryos sitting at a fertility clinic in Ohio from our IVF cycle with the twins (a story for another day). Is my daughter in there? I will never know. I’ve come to terms with it. But my mind will always wander.

I hope in my heart I have some daughters in law to love on one day. I truly do. Please don’t judge me if you’re 27 and I ask to braid your hair.

I think it’s ok to mourn the child or children you will never have, and still be eternally grateful for the healthy ones you do. I am not ashamed of my feelings.

Other boy moms: if you’re feeling this way, don’t feel like you need to hide it. You can be a loud and proud boy mom every day of the week. And it’s ok to still be a little sad.

Editor’s note: I’m not having more children. I turn 35 next month and I don’t want to do it all over again. We are definitively done. Plus let’s be honest I would have another set of twin boys, and ain’t nobody got time for that. Medical intervention was taken years ago...snip snip.

www.facebook.com/mommingalltheboys

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