Every day I do this thing where I promise myself that tonight will be the night I go to bed at a decent hour. I make a promise to myself to get my kids up earlier, to have TIME in the morning to actually cook breakfast or drink my coffee while it's hot without feeling the urgency of our usual morning rush.
Every day I do this, and then every night I bargain with myself that "me-time" is more important than precious hours of sleep. Instead, I spend hours watching TV, playing on social media, scrolling through emails that can wait, or tonight... writing a post online. I should be sleeping. But it seems as thought this precious window of time in the night is the only time I get where I can actually sit and think.
My kids are in school, some for the full week and one for half of the week and you would think that would give me time to do these things while they are gone, but those are the hours I pick up the house, I make phone calls, I set appointments and schedule our crazy lives. During those hours I work and shop and sort and clean. I spend the day doing those things so that when the sun goes down and my brain finally turns on I can do whatever the hell I want without feeling any guilt that I should be doing something far more productive.
I should be sleeping right this very moment, and I will be soon, but for whatever reason it seems as though my only opportunity to be creative and open my mind is at night. It's the time of day when I can let everything else go because my kids are safe, asleep in their beds. My house is quiet. And my mind has finally stopped racing with the million things I need to get done. (At least until I hit the pillow and it all starts back up again).
I complain about how tired I am, and yet, I do this to myself. Every single night. But as I type this I think, I could be sleeping, but then I wouldn't be contributing to the piece of myself that I do just for me. And as important as sleep is, so is making time to do the things that keep you sane and remind you that despite having kids and being a busy mom, you are still an individual.
Being a mom can't completely consume you or you'll lose your sense of self completely to the everyday grind and when you look back you'll wonder when it happened. You won't be able to pinpoint it, but you'll think of all of those times that you could have been doing something else. Opportunities that you didn't seize or moments that you chose to pass on.
I did that to myself before and getting to a point where I found something for ME again was a struggle. So, I could be sleeping. But then I would be missing out on the part of the day that I get to be ME. Unequivocally and without guilt completely me and by myself to do the things that I choose to do because I can, because I want to, and because I even though I love my kids and I strive to be a good mom, I simply can't be if I don't take time for myself. I spend my days looking after them, but there is only one person looking after me, and that's the person who should be sleeping, but instead chose to do something to ensure she doesn't lose herself in the process of it all.