I kind of always pictured myself as a single parent. How weird is that?! It’s like in my gut…I just knew I eventually would be…I never imagined having Autistic sons, now 20 and 21years old…that, I could have never predicted!❤️
Remember back in your 20s when you pictured where you would be by the time you were in your 50s and what your life would be like?
I pictured myself acting much more “grown up” then I do now…in my mind I even spoke much more “adult”…I pictured myself wearing classic, business casual clothes…lots of high heels, always having my hair and makeup done. I pictured myself having a career and more than prepared for my retirement. I pictured my kids happy and busy with their own social lives. Weirdly enough I pictured myself both married and then single for some reason? Maybe it was a vision…who knows ... but it was a gut feeling ... and it was correct.
I imagined The single me running a successful business, totally independent in every way…oh and I would have a very busy/ fun social life that included lots of traveling and lots of shopping for “cruise and lounge wear” lol I’ve talked to a few friends about this and they had imagined a life much different than what they currently have. Not to say we don’t appreciate what we have…cause we DO, we wouldn’t change it, But we imagined something… just different and definitely less stressful.
These last 8 or 9 years have been the hardest years OF MY LIFE! The stuff that makes you wonder how you got here, how badly you misjudged people, sometimes even wondering if all this is just karmas form of payback for some terrible crimes I committed in a past life?!💁♀️ I can’t count how many times I’ve said, “I’m DONE!” Or “I can’t do this anymore!” But when you have no choice it’s seriously shocking how much we can endure.. I’m sometimes thankful that I don’t have family here in the US (gimme a sec..😉 ….if they were here, able to take over when I think I can’t keep going, I honestly believe I would have been admitted to hospital for a stress related breakdown or as the celebrities call it “being admitted for exhaustion”🙄 (it actually sounds pretty great to be honest); But ... When there’s literally NO ONE there to pick up where you left off, or take care of things for you, you have NO OTHER OPTION but to just “keep on keepin' on!” Might not be the healthiest way to deal with things but it’s crazy what you can endure when you have no other options. There is good that comes from it as well, you realize how FREAKIN strong you can actually be. I’ve posted a few pics where things are great, and in that moment, they were…but the absolute stress, anxiety and depression that you don’t see over shadowed literally everything….every happy moment still has that dark cloud of worry constantly looming.
I’m 50 now, and while I’ve managed to create a business, it’s difficult to maintain due to the constant roadblocks certain individuals seem to continuously throw in an attempt to keep me down and controlled. Years ago I made a much needed decision to leave my job and be there for my boys… a decision many moms, especially Military wives and special needs parents make. I wear shorts and tank tops literally every day, (and I’ll admit some/ many days I sleep in them) I rarely wear makeup and keep my rats nest of hair in a bun on the top of my head. Dressing up to go to the pharmacy means putting a baseball cap on to hide the mess and my sons baggy hoody hides the probable food stain on the tank top I slept in.
The big fun social life full of lunches and traveling isn’t possible…but if you were to browse through my closet you’d see that while I wear what I refer to as my “uniform” EVERY DAY…when I shop for clothes…I’m shopping for a lifestyle I don’t actually live, lots of heels, lots of really pretty clothes that I have no reason to wear and/or don’t fit in because much like I shop for a lifestyle I don’t lead , I also shop for a much smaller body that I don’t currently have;)
I want to state that my sons Autism is not easy for him or his brother and I, BUT it, in itself, is manageable and by no means the reason these last few Years have been So Hard. This life is not easy, it’s 24/7 with no breaks. But us moms can do anything when it comes to our kids…the difficulty, the part where we don’t think we can do it anymore comes from the unconscionable roadblocks and attempts to destroy what little strength and confidence we have left by those that should be our number one supporters, doing anything and everything they can to see us as Rock bottom failures. Rather then appreciate the sacrifices we happily make, they look to make life even harder.
I don’t know what’s going to happen in these next few years, I've given up worrying about it. I’ve thankfully realized that there’s no point in worrying about that things I can’t control. I know I have an uphill, probably never ending battle and although I’m shocked that there are people in this world that can be so heartless…I’m Thankful for the lessons I’ve learned and the unimaginable strength I’ve gained!
#unbroken #autism #parenting #abuse #strongwomen #strength