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I found my good reason in blue crayon

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Tonight I came home frustrated. Like...really frustrated. Almost mad. And really for no reason.

No good reason anyway.

I got home late. I drove home in the pitch dark for the second night in row. My commute is long. The boys continuously got out of bed with tedious requests after the barely 10 minutes I got to see them before bedtime and I snapped at them for no reason.

No good reason anyway.

I can’t keep up with everything. I feel like I’m letting people down. When I feel that way, my anxiety becomes all consuming and my subconscious believes that I’m a failure for no reason.

No good reason anyway.

I could feel tears. Actual tears. Welling up inside my eyeballs as I was scouring the fridge for something to eat at 9pm. This isn’t a common occurrence for me but that’s how defeated I was feeling. I was going to cry for no reason.

No good reason anyway.

Then I saw this. Sitting on the counter on top of a stack of papers unloaded from backpacks while I was at work.

I stopped what I was doing, put down the paper plate of trail bologna I was eating, picked up the paper and sat down on the kitchen floor. I stared at it. That’s when it hit me. My good reason.

My good reason is on this piece of paper. It’s an 8 year old boy who wrote my mom is good in blue crayon on a piece of computer paper not even knowing if I would ever see it. It’s another 8 year old boy who told me how much better his ouchie scar feels when I give it a magical mommy touch. It’s a 4 year old boy who requested to be carried to bed cradle style like an infant and got out of bed 256x not because he was being a nuisance, but he missed his mom tonight.

My good reason is crystal clear. And as I was staring at the scribbles on this paper, I could feel the frustration and tension literally ease out of my body. Slowly, but I felt it.

If you’ve ever had this happen to you, repeat after me:

I am one person. I can only do so much. I am not a failure. I am doing the best I can. My best is good enough. I do not have to be perfect. I am not letting people down. Satan is trying to steal my joy. He’s working overtime right now and I won’t let him win. There is no reason to let Satan win. No good reason anyway.

Find your good reason. I found mine tonight. In blue crayon in 2nd grade handwriting.

Love & Hugs,

Nicki - Momming all the Boys

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