Three days into the New Year I had a panic attack.
I couldn’t catch my breath and my hands were so clammy. I tried to call my husband, but I was shaking so much I couldn’t even hit the call button on my phone. I knew I was having a panic attack, yet couldn’t even help myself. The triplets were losing it (well 2 out of 3). Charlize was crying because some water spilled on the ankle part of her leggings. Jax was having one of the worst tantrums I’ve ever seen because Ry left for the day to see his Dad. And Sawyer was singing “The First Noel” at the top of his lungs.
I kept it cool for only so long with Jax before my patience was simply gone. I hate tantrums and they are such a trigger my anxiety. We live with my parents and i knew my Dad could probably hear all the chaos and it would be a matter of time before he came to help. And he finally, which to be honest only made me feel more anxious. I was embarrassed and humbled all at the same time. I felt like a failure. My Dad sat in the backyard with Jax, so I could get it together.
I needed a minute, a minute to breathe and stop. Things escalated so fast, I couldn’t even use the tools I’ve learned to help me through my most anxious moments. And It is in my most anxious moments when I lose every touch with reality and struggle to see myself as a good mom. And that is exactly what happened to me on January 3.
How was I supposed to get through the rest of the day?
Truthfully, I didn’t have a choice. I couldn’t crawl into my bed or hide in the closet until Ry got home! I couldn’t skip being a Mom for the day and go do something for myself like get my nails done or take nap. Instead, I took a Xanax, washed my face in the bathroom, took lots of deep breaths, had a quick moment with Jesus, and got the kids ready to go for the day. I knew I had to change my thinking from “I can’t do this” to “I CAN do this."
And I did.
The day came and went. I was pretty emotionally spent, but I got through the day.
Hard days come Mamas, but we have to keep going. We have to choose I CAN. Ultimately, whether we are simply having a hard mom day or whether we are battling postpartum depression or some kind of mental health issues, the truth is, as moms, our choice is to stand up and keep going because we can do this!
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