Almost all parents are familiar with a sense of helplessness and even despair, when, during childhood hysteria, they suddenly realise that they can not control the process. Staying calm, intelligent, accepting and responsible adults in this situation is not very simple. But you can learn this.
Hysterics and simply defiant behavior can be in people of any gender and age. Yes, most often uncontrolled bouts of anger are typical for children from one and half to three years, simply because the speech is not yet developed enough and the child, desperate to be understood by the outside world, tries to express himself by felling on the floor of the supermarket. But you can face child aggression and hysteria in five, and in 10, and in 13 years. Less often, but the consequences are much more serious and difficult to handle.
From three years of the child's behavior should gradually be leveled due to the fact that he learns to recognize his impulses and desires and control them. Gradually, however, not as fast as we would like, a strong-willed sphere is born. And the notorious freedom of the will. When I, every time, as soon as the red veil starts to cover my eyes, I can say: "Stop. Not today". And quietly exhaling, get away from the annoying phenomenon or thing. Or, on the contrary, decide that "today is a good time for a fight, I choose an action," and use the full force of my aggression to achieve the goal.
But it's great if we manage our states and use their energy, and not they us. To do this, you need to learn to recognize these very states, understand their mechanisms and begin to control themselves. The conversation is not even about the secret science of the Jedi, but about how not to give a typewriter on the head to an expensive friend in the sandbox and not break his new iPhone into the wall in a fit of anger at his mother. How can we, parents, help ourselves and children in a difficult but important science of self-regulation?
1. We continue to talk about feelings
We all remember the advice of psychologists that feelings need to be called and spoken. And it is true. There are three small aspects about which I want to say more.
A study conducted by the Washington University (Seattle) showed that there are fewer problems with behaviour in those children whose vocabulary on emotions is richer. It should be taken into account that the word denoting, for example, "disappointment" in the child's head should be linked with the picture, personal experience told by the history and situation. Such a science seems complicated at first sight. First, write yourself on the leaf 10-15 different words denoting feelings, and write a story for each of them. Or buy a book in which everything has already come up before you.
Another trap - we were taught "to pronounce emotions", but forgot to say that there are also many positive emotions in the world. As a result, often my mother carefully tells his son that he was upset, angry, disappointed ... But for some reason he does not say: "Oh! It seems that you are so proud that you could come first! I know this feeling! It lives in my region somewhere in the solar plexus! Give five! "Or" Yes, you're all shining with the joy of meeting your beloved friend "," You smile so broadly when you come from school, you certainly came up with a new prank that so amused you! Will you share it? ".
Talk about good, good, bright. Is it unnatural? No, just a bit unusual. But habits can be changed
And third, it's worth telling the child about emotions: they are changing. It does not mean that a person who has lost his favorite knife, for which he saved the last three years, is worth saying: "Trivia, business is everyday!". We will necessarily share his feelings: we will become a vest, a container, what Mama and Dad should become. But if everything was awful in the morning - I wanted to sleep, it rained and the treasures from my pocket were lost - and during the day someone skips to meet you halfway, you can remind: "Oh! You were so sad in the morning, because it was raining, and you found out that you lost your notebook in mathematics, and the only friend in the class fell ill, this is a very unpleasant condition, but look - now you're having fun! ".
The next step, you will help the child to understand, and thanks to what emotions and feelings change at him. What helps him? To be alone? To read? To embrace with mother? We need to talk about emotions, using as many different words as possible, talking about positive experiences, remembering the covenants of King Solomon ("everything passes") and trying to show how feelings change.
2. Everything has its time and place
The usual picture on the playground: the sun is shining, the boy is building a city of sand, my mother enjoys a warm day and a blessed picture. And suddenly another child appears in the sandbox, which, without any bad thought, touches the foot that has just been built by the tower, it collapses - and your so calm boy rushes violently at the offender.
For some reason, many adults consider this moment a good reason for the lessons of politeness. Yes, it is necessary to intervene, but not educate! All these correct words, about "you need to share", "we are people - we do not fight, but we say", "apologize to the boy, you hit him" now do not work. And even harm. All you can: physically stop, voice emotions, name the state, apologize to the victims (yourself), if any, and get out of the situation.
One can dwell on the suppression of the conflict. All discussions after and preferably in private. Use active listening
"What happened to you?" I think you're angry? Oh, I imagine how I would get angry if someone destroyed the results of my work! And where was this anger born? In the chest? In a stomach?". To sympathize: "It was terrible, I do not even know how I would be upset." And then try to develop strategies for behavior. How not to let anger control you? And what could be done? What do people do in such situations? Precisely do not beat, we talk. It is important to remember: any feelings and thoughts are permissible, but not any behavior.
3. Taking It Into Yourself
Fuel for the fire of hysteria - emotions. Because it's very important to determine where your trigger is, your red button. Children are very talented to determine what exactly the teacher-mother-teacher-teacher does most. Maybe you are annoyed by screaming or nagging, or obscene language from the mouth of a five-year-old angel, you can not stand when they spit or bite, run away to the other side or break everything? What actions of the child in your brain suddenly lights up in red letters: "That's exactly what I can not always allow. Because!".
It's not so easy - do it differently, do not go on about the feelings. But staying calm is not always enough.
We can not "just ignore the unwanted behavior of a child"
And if he runs under the car or tries to smash his head with the shop window, or just shoves all the children around him? Of course, we do not ignore. We stop actions that can be dangerous to health, if necessary, we bring the child out of the situation. But at the same time we remain calm and ready to come to the rescue - they are really very bad. We are ready to hug, give a handkerchief, water, talk. And we do not care that there are a lot of reproaches around. After all, we remember hysterics - a sign that the child needs our help. For example, teach a new model of behaviour.
4. Everything has a purpose - and children's hysterics too
It is useful to understand what the goal is. All goals can be broken down into two types: to avoid anything (actions, people, events, spaces, process) or to get something (thing, help, attention, power, communication). It is important that hysterics does not become a really working tool, so that the consequence of it is not the achievement of the goal. Besides, sometimes sobbing and quarreling can be avoided, simply by not doing what causes such a reaction.
The best method works "natural consequences", not punishment by mom or dad, as they have authority and right "issued from above," but quite natural and not entirely pleasant consequences. I sobbed in the store - I could not buy something. I fought on the court - I had to leave from there, rushed a book - I could not read at night. Mom's bad mood also refers to "natural consequences".
5. To be always on the side of the child
Against who? Against hysterics. Unfortunately, they do not always end in four years. At some point, the child himself understands that such behavior does not lead to anything good for him. It hinders him. How? For example, makes family evenings sad, spoils relations with the pope, does not allow making friends. There can be many examples.
There is a strategy of behavior in relation to unacceptable behavior of children. Yes, you are unbearable, but I still love you and accept even that. In this position, you are a noble suffering mother, and he is a little tormentor. Being a tormentor of such a beautiful person is hard, it's so easy to get to the feelings of guilt, and then to aggression, fleeing from guilt.
It is better to choose the scheme in which you are together. Tell your son, look, something is attacking you and seriously ruining our lives. I agree?
What do you think it is? What's his name? What does he want? And how to deal with it? At the same time, you will be able to analyze how outbreaks of anger arise and what really helps them to stop. More information about this approach can be found in Michael White's book "Maps of Narrative Practice."
6. Seek compromises
Very many people badly endure categorical prohibitions and demands. It often happens that children grow up, and we do not have time to restructure ourselves, and we are still discussing the question of a hat or the first for dinner with a 15-year-old daughter. The "offer a choice" strategy works in many cases. With three-year olds, even the choice is working at the level that you will be for lunch: buckwheat or rice. But closer to the first anniversary sometimes it is necessary to agree together how to spend the weekend, or about the amount of time given to computer games.
There are three types of behavior. You can insist on your own. From "it will be, because I said so" to "well, you yourself understand that this is the right decision, because ...". You can surrender under the avalanche of childish tears and screams, admit that you have not been able to manage processes for a long time, and give everything to the child's will. Now, such parents are encountered more often. You can also prefer the path of contracts and compromises - it is longer and more difficult, but at the output makes it stronger than all the negotiators. What does it mean? Trying together to find a way that is acceptable to all parties. In this regard, it is easy to run into pitfalls.
Sometimes the attempt to "negotiate" becomes manipulation of the plan "I said so" - the goal is to convince me that I am proposing the right decision
Then it's more honest and more correct to say "I decided" and continue to sit under the door, listening to your dear child ruining the walls in your nursery. Or honestly seek out.
How to test yourself? It's very simple - if you are beginning to find a compromise, already know the "right answer" - this is not a compromise. Ideas should be born and discussed in the course of the conversation.