Being married twice by the age of 27 taught me greatly about relationships. When thinking about my ex's I usually have very unpleasant thoughts of lies, cheating, arguments, and misunderstandings. Instead of blaming them, I should start blaming myself for the countless failed relationships and marriages. I was not the man I needed to be in my previous relationships; I was either immature, non-empathetic, or down right rude to my former lovers. I am now 29 knocking on 30's door, and I have had time to reflect and analyze the errors in my past relationships, and it all revolves around me. In most of my relationships I did not want to have children before the age of 40, or either I was serving in the Army and away most weeks training or serving in Iraq. In other relationships, I would devote myself so deep in my work that you would think I was dating my paycheck.
The choice to marry in my early 20's was another huge mistake. I had not even lived life before I decided to tie the knot (like many of you). My unmarried friends (or barely married friends) would invite me to parties and outings while my significant other stayed at home waiting for my return. How can I blame her for cheating on me when I would not give her the necessary time she needed to feel validated and loved? Rarely did I give birthday, Christmas, valentines, or anniversary gifts. Rarely did I shower my significant other with compliments and affection, I was too busy living life to pay attention . How can I blame her for talking to guys on the phone and hanging out late with her "friends."
How many times do you look to find the "right one"? A person that can finish your sentences and that makes you feel validated? I am here to tell you that such person does not exist! However, if you change the way you look at love you will find the person that will compliment your personality. As I slowly matured, the right woman entered my life and challenged me to be more responsible and to remove bad habits from my life. The bad habits and negative influences she required me to surrender included smoking, negative friends, low wage employment, fear of having a child, money management, and instability. Not to mention I was separated from my first wife (but still married) and had a girlfriend that lived with me at the time.
My current wife helped move my belongings from my former girlfriend's house, and she also handled my divorce paperwork from my previous marriage. My wife also reminds me that I have to continually evolve and become a better version of myself to make her, my daughter, and myself happy. I never envisioned myself as a father and as a provider. I had a difficult time imagining my life in my 30's (I feel old). Pondering, I question if becoming the right person to my former ex's would have had a different outcome in my life. Would I have become the person that I am today? As you reflect on your past relationships, think about the person you needed to be to make your relationships work. Reflect on the issues and disagreements you and your ex frequently encountered. Were you becoming the right person for your lover?
My current wife and I are both euphoric together. I have learned hard lessons on how to treat and keep my spouse. So stop looking for the right person and become the right person, and watch your love life change for the better. She is the CFO of our growing technology company (Tech From Vets) and she is a successful real estate professional. We have a beautiful daughter and small Yorkie named Pebbles.
