Here is what “mom guilt” tells me about the dirt on my floors:
It’s there because I’m failing.
It’s there because I’m lazy and can’t figure out how to juggle all-the-things.
It’s there because I’m terrible at cleaning.
If only I had my life together. If only I had more hours in the day. If only we weren’t in the middle of a pandemic that has stripped away most of our supports. If only so-and-so could come be with the kids, then my floors would be spick-and-span.
But truth says something different.
Truth tells me that I am giving my energy to things that matter more. It tells me that my babies need their mama more than ever right now. And I cannot give them what I do not have.
Truth tells me that I am doing the best that I can. That I am living in the middle of a pandemic where every single day, I juggle intense fears and anxieties about how to keep harm away from my medically complex child and her brother.
Truth tells me that I am carrying the weight of what life will look like as the world continues to “open up” around us. The worries about how we will manage if we are left behind in quarantine are so unbelievably heavy sometimes.
Truth tells me that I am giving medicine to my girl around the clock as she recovers from surgery. She is awake for hours in the night and I am utterly exhausted.
Truth tells me that I am a person with needs too. That even in the tired, and even in the hard, I am making choices to invest in myself in some really big ways -- to dream, to write, to rest, to create, to learn.
I am not failing. I am just choosing to give the little that I have to more important things.
The dirt on my floors will just have to wait.
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