I wake up every morning with an unimaginable pain; a literal achniness in my entire body.
I try to put on a brave face and go about my new daily routine but inside I am drowning.
I am a mom, just like you, but I parent completely different.
I have a balancing act I have to perfect which entails parenting 2 kids on Earth and a baby boy in Heaven.
So while I am a mom like you, I am also a mom completely different and than you.
I have this constant pain; it never goes away.
It doesn’t decide to leave me alone so I can focus on my work.
It doesn’t leave during the holidays.
Instead this pain shows up as obsessive behavior I can’t control
It’s out of control emotions.
It’s Panic attacks, Anxiety, and Depression.
I am the proud mom to 3 incredible children.
I have 2 on Earth and my 7 month old caboose baby that died.
My baby died.
And that pain doesn’t leave. Ever.
You might be uncomfortable now that I said my baby died, but he did.
Just as he lived so wonderfully, so beautifully, for 7 months; he also died.
And while you’re uncomfortable with that information, you get to turn around and walk away from it.
But for me, I have to constantly tell myself my baby is dead. Because the human mind doesn’t comprehend that horrific thought the first time.
Sure I could have lied and said I only have 2 kids; because that’s all you see. But how could I? How could I deny my baby for YOUR ability to be comfortable?
I’m used to the looks now.
The big eyes
The blank stares
The awkward silence that follows after I say my baby died.
And unfortunately, I’m even used to people not talking to me anymore.
It’s as if I have some disease they think they will catch.
My son is Dead.
Nothing I can do will change that; trust me I’ve tried.
Your silence won’t make it better.
Your silence won’t even make it worse.
Im used to the judgement looks when they ask what happened and I say we don’t know.
I’m used to people saying we could have prevented it if we did x y z. (I’m also used to having to control myself from punching them when they say something like this!)
Don’t think for a moment we didn’t do everything in our power to avoid this.
Don’t act like you are invisible from this terrible, horrific, reality.
My son is dead.
I didn’t choose this.
I never wished for this.
If I could do anything ANYTHING to have him back, I would in an instant.
I am just a mother, trying to perfect the impossible.
I’m living a nightmare.
One where I keep living;
while my son is dead.