Parents, you’ve got questions, we’ve got answers.

Or just as likely, we’ve got questions and you’ve got answers.

Challenge: Pregnancy and Infant Loss

He is Dead

Vote up!
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Email this article

I wake up every morning with an unimaginable pain; a literal achniness in my entire body.

I try to put on a brave face and go about my new daily routine but inside I am drowning.

I am a mom, just like you, but I parent completely different.

I have a balancing act I have to perfect which entails parenting 2 kids on Earth and a baby boy in Heaven.

So while I am a mom like you, I am also a mom completely different and than you.

I have this constant pain; it never goes away.

It doesn’t decide to leave me alone so I can focus on my work.

It doesn’t leave during the holidays.

Instead this pain shows up as obsessive behavior I can’t control

It’s out of control emotions.

It’s Panic attacks, Anxiety, and Depression.

I am the proud mom to 3 incredible children.

I have 2 on Earth and my 7 month old caboose baby that died.

My baby died.

And that pain doesn’t leave. Ever.

You might be uncomfortable now that I said my baby died, but he did.

Just as he lived so wonderfully, so beautifully, for 7 months; he also died.

And while you’re uncomfortable with that information, you get to turn around and walk away from it.

But for me, I have to constantly tell myself my baby is dead. Because the human mind doesn’t comprehend that horrific thought the first time.

Sure I could have lied and said I only have 2 kids; because that’s all you see. But how could I? How could I deny my baby for YOUR ability to be comfortable?

I’m used to the looks now.

The big eyes

The blank stares

The awkward silence that follows after I say my baby died.

And unfortunately, I’m even used to people not talking to me anymore.

It’s as if I have some disease they think they will catch.

My son is Dead.

Nothing I can do will change that; trust me I’ve tried.

Your silence won’t make it better.

Your silence won’t even make it worse.

Im used to the judgement looks when they ask what happened and I say we don’t know.

I’m used to people saying we could have prevented it if we did x y z. (I’m also used to having to control myself from punching them when they say something like this!)

Don’t think for a moment we didn’t do everything in our power to avoid this.

Don’t act like you are invisible from this terrible, horrific, reality.

My son is dead.

I didn’t choose this.

I never wished for this.

If I could do anything ANYTHING to have him back, I would in an instant.

I am just a mother, trying to perfect the impossible.

I’m living a nightmare.

One where I keep living;

while my son is dead.

This post comes from the TODAY Parenting Team community, where all members are welcome to post and discuss parenting solutions. Learn more and join us! Because we're all in this together.