First Impressions: You've Got 30 Seconds To Make The Right One states that “first impressions are formed in less than 30 seconds”.

The article cites Psychology Today, noting that people “process small clues, everything from tone of voice to posture, and in a snap [we] form a larger picture in our minds”. The article goes on to contend that conclusions are drawn and opinions are finalized “in under a minute”.

THIS IS BAD NEWS FOR MOMS EVERYWHERE. Bad freakin' news.

The bottom-line of the article? Well, that people “need to keep [your] first impression top of mind and walk into each situation prepared for [your] review”.

This is not looking good for us moms, and here's why:

Apparently, “the eyes have it”. Yep, we are supposed to maintain good posture and strong eye contact in order to make a good impression. How the frick is that possible with a toddler on your hip grabbing at your face, and a baby on your leg grabbing at your pants? You expect me to stand up tall and look you in the eye just so you can “judgy-eye” me back and make me feel crazy? No, thank you.

We are supposed to present ourselves as being in a “relaxed” state. Have you ever seen a mother looking relaxed? I sure as heck haven't! Oh, just take a deep breath you say? Too bad when I do, all I get is a whiff of my daughter's poop-filled diaper, which causes a slight gag and a bit of vomit to come up and which time I'm then reminded that I forgot to brush my teeth before I left the house.

Be attentive. I am always attentive — to my children and their needs, which is why I cannot be attentive to yours! Do you get it? You will never have my full attention, ever! Unless my children are not with me (which is about 5 minutes a day, already allotted to self-care), you cannot have my full presence. Oh, and you want me to make you feel like you are the center of attention because it makes you feel good? Well, guess what? I can't because I already have three other little, aggressive and demanding people vying to be the center of my attention. Here's what I will do for you, though — the article notes that people like to talk about themselves and be asked questions … so, I will continuously ask you the same question over and over and over again, mainly because I won't be able to hear your first answer over my screaming children. How's that? Will that suffice?

Watch your language. Well, dang, this one is easy, I already do that. Shiitake, I forgot to censor myself in this answer. Dang it. I keep fudgin’ up. Crap. I'll just excuse myself to use the restroom and wash my “less than appropriate mom mouth” out with soap before I pick our conversation back up.

Apparently, we are supposed to “shake on it“. Are you talking about the Wiggles? Are we supposed to dance and shake our sillies out? I'm not quite sure what it is I am supposed to be shaking because I assume the last thing you want to shake is my sticky, smelly, jammed-up, boogie-wiping hand. Just an assumption. Crap, I probably shouldn't be making assumptions during first impressions either.

Well, man, I really screwed up this first impression. PROBABLY BECAUSE I AM A MOM.

Oh, well. Back to the tiny people that call me “Mommy” who matter the most.

This article originally appeared on EverydayFamily, Inc.