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Dear Infertile Mama this is your Mother's Day too

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We had ahead of us the MOTHER of all Mother’s Days. The stars had aligned for all significant and major events in my life to fall on this glorious day. I was finally mom. After 3 years of infertility, in my arms was this incredible son, who had just come into my life in December with adoption and miraculously growing in my womb was a little life. After years of infertility and loss, I felt like this Mother’s Day at church service I could celebrate and share in, instead of dread. I know grieving and longing mamas reading this are nodding, they get it. Mother's day service can be rough tough real stuff for those in the trenches of infertility. The church we attended was holding a baby dedication service on Mother’s Day. New moms and dads would stand up front of their church family with new little babes and have the church pray over them. We had invited our family to join us, excited and proud to stand in front of our friends and family with our extraordinary son and the surprise everyone with the announcement of my pregnancy.

It got better, after this epic church service and announcement, the plan was to attend my graduation ceremony. I was walking the stage with my Master's degree having completed graduate school to be a Family Nurse Practitioner. I will be honest, I was nerding out about wearing a hood with my cap and gown. It all felt so legit.

There I was standing up in front of the church with our son in my go-to for occasions green dress and this weird thought came to me:

“This is the same dress I wore to a wedding last year when I had my first miscarriage.”

On the way home from church, I started bleeding. My in-laws and my parents were at our house getting ready to leave for my commencement ceremony. I could not shake the thought that I jinxed myself.

“Why did I wear this stupid dress today?”

By lunch, I was cramping and the bleeding had not stopped. Instead of driving to the commencement ceremony, we drove to the hospital. I knew there was nothing the doctor could do, but I just had to know….

"Was there still hope?"

The loveliest gift I received for Mother's day was not a card, flowers, or chocolate covered strawberries. There laying in that blue oversize gown on the hospital bed, we saw on the ultrasound a little baby with a little heart beat.

Beating inside of me was this gift of Hope.

The pretty version of the story should stop here. And I wish I could share that the sweet scrumptious baby feet in this picture were the same feet from the little bean of hope in that ultrasound that day. But the truth is, not every Mother's day is a miracle. Some Mother's day hold grief, shame, dread, insecurity and pain. But that day I learned that in the midst of all longing and despair that I can also find hope. The gift of hope I received that day was real and true. We did not know the grief that was hiding around the corner. Even though several weeks later we miscarried for the second, but sadly, not last time, I still look on that moment of my husband and I staring at a fluttering heart inside of me as precious. This precious reminder that there is hope to be found on Mother’s day. I look back on this day and smile as I consider how even though it came to fruition in ways I could not have imagined and looks differently than I originally planned....

8 years later my heart and minivan and both now full.

Perhaps this Mother’s Day, you need a gift of HOPE.

Hope anchors us to peace. A peace believing it might just all turn out better than we can ask of imagine.

May you hold tightly onto hope today wherever you are in your journey today.

Waiting, grieving, crying, praying and forever hoping; sweet longing MAMA, today is your Mother’s Day too.

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