Sometimes we face things that are really hard to process, work through, and overcome.
About a year ago, I told a friend who was struggling with infertility that I would be her surrogate if it came to that. After much hope for my friend, she finally conceived. My heart was overwhelmed with joy.
As time went on, I still felt like it was on my heart to be a surrogate so we found an agency to work with.
We met with my Doctor to discuss surrogacy and if the complications during the delivery of my triplets would prevent me from even qualifying. "You have 3 beautiful babies at home that need you," she said as she proceeded to share the potential things that could go wrong considering my history. "You could lose your life, Des." Ultimately, carrying and more so delivering another baby, would be life-threatening.
I knew right away I would likely not qualify for surrogacy, but all I could think about was my 12 remaining embryos. “Are you saying the same risks apply to me if I got pregnant with my own biological child?" She was silent for a moment. I knew the answer.
It painfully struck.
My heart broke because I truly wanted to help someone become a Mom. And I deeply grieved my embryos and my broken body. I was ashamed for wanting another baby when I have 3 miracles right in front of me. I was ashamed of my body for not functioning once again the way it’s supposed to. I felt like my desire to have another child was stolen from me. Silently, quietly, privately, I grieved- which was usually the few minutes I had alone in the shower. I cried and I cried hard.
It was a matter of time before my grief was crippling me. I started to have panic attacks every couple days. That’s when I knew I needed help. Ultimately, it was my silent grief that was the culprit to this painfully difficult season I’ve been in the last several months.
However, my silent grief also showed me how God is always at work in us, revealing and renewing our hearts. I have to choose to trust Him in the story He has created for my life, especially the fine print. And I don’t know what our story holds, but I do know God is doing something good in me.