I don’t know if you knew this, but I worry about you. A lot. Especially during those feeding times where we’re stuck in a dark, quiet room with nothing for mama to do but think a swirl of fun thoughts…that she’s decided to share with the Internet. Let’s dive in, shall we?
I worry I don’t bathe you enough.
I worry I bathe you too much.
I worry I don’t feed you enough.
I worry I’m over feeding you.
I worry when you occasionally tremble.
I worry when you cry.
I worry when you’re silent.
I worry you don't sleep enough.
I worry you’re on your back too much.
I worry you can’t breathe when on your tummy.
I worry when your poop’s a new color/texture.
I worry about what other people think.
I worry that exposure to screens means you’ll have no social skills or imagination.
I worry that we’re not teaching you enough.
I worry that we’re giving up too much of our lives to your schedule.
I worry about what happens when we break schedule.
I worry about making enough money to provide for you.
I worry about the hospital bill that will come the first time we go to the emergency room.
I worry about what we’ll do the first time you get sick.
I worry about your veteran father, with his PTSD that makes loud noises unbearable, while he muddles through your cries daily to be brave for you and keep you safe and cared for.
I worry about the money.
I worry about how getting a second job would affect us. I worry about how hard it would be.
I worry about not finding one.
I worry about losing everything I’ve worked for to build for you. All it takes is one car accident, one medical emergency.
I worry that I barely get to see you during the week.
I worry that you don’t get to see your grandparents, cousins, aunts and uncles because we can’t afford the flight.
I worry about anything bad happening to you, ever.
And then I remember–
That I am strong. That I am a fighter. That everything we have in this world came through work, and that I can use that as an example for you. The world can be a hard place, baby. It can also be paradise. We don’t know which Earth we’ll be born to. We don’t know when we’re born whether we will struggle and grow up too fast or get a childhood that lasts well into our twenties.
I do not worry about how much I love you. I do not worry about how strong I can be for you. I want so much for you, so many positive experiences. The most important thing to remember is this:
I love you. I’ll show you that in every way I know how, so that even if you only get your working mother for an hour a day during the week, that will be the most loving mother of an hour you can possibly imagine.
And I’ll be worrying the whole time.