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7 third-trimester truths

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1. You will basically lick sugar off the floor. A friend asked me if I wanted a cupcake tower or a cake at my shower. What I really want is to mainline some liquefied Sour Patch Kids and then chase it with a line of Pixie Stix. In hindsight, I should’ve gone with cupcake tower so that my guests would at least have a chance of getting some dessert before I unhinge my jaw and swallow the entire table whole.

2. Your house is actually messier. And it’s not because you are the only one who cleans up, or because you have small humans living with you. It’s because you have attained a mass that grants you your own gravitational pull. Small objects have begun to orbit you. You have become their massive star — simultaneously radiating heat and ensnaring wayward socks, knickknacks, and used dryer sheets with your sheer magnitude. This can actually work to your advantage. Just wait a few hours and the remote will come back around.

3. You’re waaaay hot. Not the good hot. The "it’s-not-odd-to-see-random-bits-of-toilet-tissue -and-other-paper-goods-sticking-out-of-your-clothing-because-you-need-to-mop-up-the-sweat-from-anywhere-your-clothes-actually-come-in-contact-with-your-body" hot. You know how the scarecrow from "Wizard of Oz" could pull straw out of his chest as needed? Yeah, I’m packing a least 1 to 1.5 rolls of paper towels at any given moment. Try me, bro. I am the quicker picker upper.

4. Everything is swollen. Remember a few years back when everyone pretended they didn’t have plastic surgery and that their lips were swollen from allergic reactions and their breasts grew three cup sizes because of their periods? They should’ve gone with "I’m pregnant." Women everywhere would’ve believed them, because when you’re pregnant you turn into one of those liquid drip timers. All of that excess fluid flows with gravity. If your feet can swell into sausages why not your lips? Fancy a Kardashian backside? Just stand up for three consecutive minutes. The sciatic nerve pain alone will make you walk that walk.

My daughter says there is hot chocolate in this wooden mug balanced on my stomach. I'm pretty sure it is actually glitter and dried noodles from her kitchen. Still, I cannot guarantee I won't drink it.

5. There is no comfortable position. The only comfortable position during your third trimester is not being pregnant anymore. So make yourself a pillow fortress. Shift your weight constantly and do prenatal yoga. Lay face down in an inner-tube made to look like a doughnut and post it to Instagram. Put on a really attractive belly support band that encourages your 4-year-old to ask if she can ride you because you now have a saddle. It’s all for naught. Go find some sugar.

6. The baby is more active than they will be in the next 6 months combined. They are like that annoying girl at the gym who takes an entire 90-minute cycling class and while staggering out you overhear her talking, not even winded, on her Apple earbuds saying something ridiculous like "oh that was just my warm up I’m really here for the 6:45 advanced body sculpting class with Steele." Like the horrible person I just described, the baby has a full gym schedule including taking a combination of Krav Maga and Early '90s Break Dancing: The White People Edition at 2 a.m. Again, don’t let this fool you. When they arrive, they will just lie around and expect you to wait on them hand and foot. Lazy jerks.

7. People no longer really want to touch your belly. Now it is so big, it’s a liability. Like you might tip over and crush them or they may send you rolling down the aisle of the grocery store like a huge boulder in an Indiana Jones movie. Or, even worse, your belly may actually “pop” like a Pinterest filled party balloon and they will be suddenly standing there, holding your newly birthed baby, covered in a mixture of amniotic fluid and placental confetti. Surprise, indeed. (This visual should further discourage people from touching your belly. Feel free to share this post. You are welcome.)


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