Motherhood brings so many joys and feelings of intense love and happiness you’ve never experienced before….which can easily be wiped out on those days that you’re running on fumes. The most tender and loving mothers can quickly turn into demonic, delirious monsters when sleep deprived. We’ve all been there.
Those baby books should come with a step-by-step guide for getting through a day (or even multiple days) of no sleep. That’s the real stuff moms need to know. If they did, it should go something like this:
1.) Count how many hours you estimate you’ve slept. Cue the “How am I going to make it through the day on x amount of hours of sleep?” thoughts.
2.) Ponder if it is a good idea to be driving around town in the current state of delirium you are in.
3.) Think about how you can’t wait to take a nap.
4.) Gaze miserably in the bathroom mirror while your eyes adjust to the light…kind of like how your newborn looked the first time they opened their eyes.
5.) Decide that a top knot is too much work for you today. You’ll just settle on a low ponytail and accessorize with a cute scarf and earrings. That way the scarf can cover up your poorly blended in makeup and maybe your earrings will distract from the rest of the mess you have going on.
6.) Tell yourself that you WILL go to bed earlier tonight.
7.) Look in the fridge for something to eat, decide it will require too much effort to get breakfast and lunch put together, and go to McDonald’s instead. Your body needs that extra sugar/carb/calorie boost to get you through the day anyways.
8.) Sit in traffic on the drive to work. Close your eyes while you’re stopped. The car behind you will honk when the light turns green.
9.) Avoid all human contact while at work. You have no energy left to waste on anyone’s bullshit.
10.) Consider keeping your sunglasses on in the office so you can close your eyes and maybe sneak in a nap.
11.) Make a beeline to the bathroom. The McDonald’s breakfast, doughnuts in the break room, 4 cups of coffee, and Panda Express lunch are definitely not agreeing with you.
12.) Watch the clock. Pray you make it to 5. Wipe the “yawning tears” away and smudged eyeliner.
13.) Emotions begin to take over. You are pissed at yourself for not calling in sick and if one more person tells you that you look tired, there will be hell to pay. Thinking about getting dinner on the table, homework complete, and bath time in before 8 pm brings tears of sorrow and hopelessness to your already puffy eyes.
14.) Quitting time. The only energy and sign of life your co-workers will see out of you today is when you are prancing happily to your car, as if you just won a Lifetime Achievement Award.
15.) Pick up a frozen pizza for dinner on your way home from work. If you buy the organic kind, it won’t be as bad.
16.) Turn on all of the electronics in your household. The iPad, tablet, TV, cell phone, whatever will entertain the kids so you can lay on the couch and recover.
17.) Tell your spouse how horrible your day was and how exhausted you are in an over-exaggerated manner in hopes that they’ll feel bad for you and offer to take care of dinner, bath, and bed time.
18.) Play fetch with the baby while you lay on the couch. Fetch isn’t just for dogs, right?
19.) Yell at your spouse for having no sympathy for your long, exhausting, horrible day. Demand that they take care of dinner, bath, and bed time.
20.) Netflix. Chill.
21.) Wake up on the couch at 1 am. Debate whether or not to shower and brush your teeth.
22.) Toss and turn until 4 am. That power nap really screwed you.
23.) Repeat steps 1-22.