Ahh pregnancy. So amazing and wonderful, right? It’s not at all painful and annoying and uncomfortable and drags on for almost an entire year.
I’m feeling especially annoyed because the midwife told me yesterday that my due date is February 6. NOT February 4, which I had in my head for some reason.
And before you tell me to be thankful that I am having a healthy pregnancy yada, yada, yada, I get it. I am. This is just me complaining. As usual.
So here’s a list of 10 sucky things about the last few weeks of pregnancy.
1. When your mom asks you after each doctor’s visit, “How much weight did you gain?” Listen. I don’t even ask the nurse for this info after I step off the scale. Does any woman want to know how many pounds she’s packed on in a week? It could have been two or it could have been twelve. Neither would have phased me after all the freaking cookies I ate this week. Bottom line– this answer is on a need to know basis, and I don’t need to know. So you don’t either.
2. Sciatica pain that gets worse by the day. Oh, you want me to play tea party on the floor with you? Sure, as long as you know that means that I won’t be able to get back up for approximately another hour. So when you change your mind and want to color in five minutes, better call Daddy!
3. No sleep. These were supposed to be my last few weeks of sleep-FULL nights. Instead I’m up with pains in my back, sick kids, or wet beds. (To clarify– not MY wet bed. My children’s. I swear.)
4. I’m all out of clothes. It’s official. I have, like, one “nice” outfit to wear out to a social function. And by nice outfit I mean a shirt and yoga pants that still fit. And by social function I mean child’s birthday party. So if you invite me to more than one something in the next two weeks, my outfit will probably be a repeat.
5. No hot baths. I’m a total bath junkie and right about now, a scalding hot bath would feel great on my sciatica. WRONG! No baths for you! (In Soup Nazi voice.)
6. There is no wine. I repeat, there is no wine.
7. When I sneeze, pee comes out. This is a recent development, as per the past few weeks. I feel like an old lady.
8. I walk up the freaking stairs and feel like I need to lie down for ten minutes. I’m a marathon runner, for crying out loud. Really?!
9. Weekly doctor’s visits. I can’t manage to find a babysitter every time, so yesterday I had both kids with me. SO. MUCH. FUN.
10. My husband is afraid of me. Before you say it, I know this can be a positive thing…but due to my raging hormones, I am a bitch 90% of the times. Still, there is a small window of time each day that I am calm, rational, and want to spend time with him. This confuses him, so he just tries to avoid me for 100% of the time (just to be safe). But if he doesn’t let me be nice to him for that small window of time, how can I butter him up to go to Wawa and get me snacks??
So yeah– pregnancy’s a bitch. And so am I. I will raise my cup of lukewarm, reheated coffee in my favorite mug to you and toast to NEVER AGAIN.
Time to go schedule a vasectomy.