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Top 10 Reasons I Am Done Being Pregnant

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(adapted from May 2013 blog post)

I am terrible at being pregnant.

Last night I was up every hour with heartburn, nausea, hot flashes, dehydration, congestion, and the urge to just save myself the trip and pee in my bed.

But on the plus side I only have about eight weeks to go. So let’s look at the bright side and review the top reasons I can’t wait to get this baby out.

  1. I haven’t been able to breathe properly for weeks nor hear out of my right ear. And this is, in fact, pregnancy related. Here’s something you probably don’t know about pregnancy unless you’ve been there: it gives whole new meaning to the word congestion. If you are prone to seasonal allergies or sinus infections you better get ready. Because it isn’t just your cervical mucus that thickens (if that is TMI you are reading the wrong blog).
  2. We all know that pregnancy makes you pee a lot. As in waking up every hour. This will also lead you to many public restrooms where you will want to squat. Thanks to CrossFit, I am an expert at squatting over toilet seats. But there is something about the balance or shape of late pregnancy that for some reason causes you to pee all over yourself if you try to squat. Like pee up your stomach. I can’t explain it but it is very true and I refuse to believe it is just me.
  3. I want my immune system back. Despite all efforts to live healthy, I have caught every ailment that has come down the preschool pike this pregnancy. And I am tired of feeling guilty about every medication I have put in my body. And there have been plenty of them. I just want to be able to take a Tylenol without being sure my baby is growing horns.
  4. It honestly isn’t my appearance that bothers me so much having gained an extra 45 pounds. It’s the impact that this weight has on my energy and mobility. Walking just a few blocks causes a cramp in my side and an aching in my feet. I dream of running and jumping and getting back to the inner athlete I had only recently discovered before becoming pregnant.
  5. OK, looking thin wouldn’t hurt either. If only so I could wear normal clothes and officially set fire to anything with an empire waist.
  6. My boobs are way too big. “Oh, woe is you,” think the small-chested girls, but let me assure you that big tits are not all they are cracked up to be. Try running and jumping with these things strapped on. Try wearing anything without looking like a hooker. And I know they will remain big through nursing but at least they won’t be resting upon a giant belly and will have some room to breathe!
  7. I am a busy lady. There are things I have to do like take care of my son and run my business and things I want to do like workout, blog, and socialize. But being pregnant zaps your energy to the point where accomplishing more than a couple of things in one day is an absolute strain. I used to be able to wrangle my son to school, workout, and then have the energy to power through various meetings, errands, and events. Now after just walking Sam to school I sometimes take to working from my bed for the rest of the day. (That said, I am insanely lucky that I can totally work from my bed).
  8. Have you seen my vagina? Neither have I.
  9. I could really use a drink.
  10. I couldn’t end this without something sappy or you will all think I am a total bitch. Of course I can’t wait to meet the baby. I might not feel totally connected at first. I pretty much saw Sam as a complete alien until he was about a month old and I completely fell in love with him, so I am not expecting any immediate miracles. But it will be cool to see what she looks like. Sam is so fair and blonde and thin and I just feel like this girl is going to be chubby with darker features. But we seem to carry random recessive traits like white hair so anything is possible.

FOOTNOTE: My daughter was born in June 2013 and she was chubby and delicious with dark features. She is now a precocious “threenager.” It was all worth it - of course. :)

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