My children were 4 and 1 when their loving, vibrant, warm, kind, Papa took his own life. He loved them to the moon and back infinity. I have seen their grief first hand. No one else has seen it, held it, felt their grief but me, their Mama. It is heart wrenching. It will bring you to your knees and shake up your own perception of death. My 5 year old daughter is highly intuitive, just like her Mama. She is very inquisitive as well. She did not stop asking questions about why, how, and what happened to her Papa until I told her the complete truth, in child-like terms of course. She loved her Papa. She seen him every day of her life. Every day. She was not taking some answer of, "Well, Papa's brain was sick, we didn't know his brain was sick, and he died.". No way was this kid believing that was the entire story. Her intuition told her that wasn't the truth in it's entirety. She dug, and proded, and poked until I told her the story. I didn't lie. I didn't sugar coat it. I told her the truth. Why? Because it's her truth too. I put it out there and set her free to heal. My intuition told me if I withheld information, someday her grief wound would re-open. There was no way that I was going to do that to my child. Once I told her the truth, once I told her it was ok and necessary for her to let out all her emotions, especially anger, I seen a weight lift off my sweet child's shoulders. Once I told her the truth, her intuition told her...it's ok now..now you know. And she was at peace.
Intuition. My entire life I have followed my intuition, even when I had no idea that is what I was even doing. I have never felt the need to run ideas off anyone. Never felt the pull inside myself, the fear, the anxiety that my own answers were not 100% for sure to my questions. My husband loved this about me. He was in awe at my ability to just know what to do in any given situation. He did not follow his intuition. When he had a problem, an issue, a question about his own life, he always had to come to me or his parents. He would spend hours sitting at his parents kitchen table trying to have them help him find the answers. I used to always tell him to look within himself. That he too is just like me, human. We are all built the same. We are all intuitive. I would always tell him that no one can give him the answers. He has to feel the answers within himself. His anxiety and fear would trick his brain and tell him this wasn't true. He was never taught to look within himself. Don't feel bad, most children are not taught this. Most adults do not even understand this. There have been times in my life that I did not listen to my intuition, and what happened? Usually, disaster. Usually, I got off track, off of my path.
I have let go of "what happened" to my husband. It doesn't matter fully exactly what type of mental illness it was that was hiding within his brain. Why? Because I understand it from a different perspective now, months later, after all of my research and learning. I understand the personality that he already had in place before the mental illness got it's death grip on him. I understand that he had not yet honed in on his own personal intuition. He had never been taught to listen to his own inner voice, to his own soul. He always had to look outward and have someone else tell him which path to choose. He needed that validation from an outer source. I would definitely say that most adults are exactly this way. They are just lost. They don't sit in quiet and listen. Listen to YOU. We are programmed in this society to look outward for self-worth, self-esteem, and love. They are lying. It's all within you. You are born with all the tools inside of you. You are born to fully fall in love with yourself. You are born with all of the answers. Your soul will lead the way, if you listen.
This all gets me to thinking of something else. Our children. They are the ones showing me how to move forward with life. You keep the love and let go of everything else. Hold on too tight and you will be miserable. Children just "know" this. It's their intuition. So many people worry for their future. For all the things their Papa will not be here for. For all the "what if's". But ,my intuition tells me if we hang on to those "what if's", if we obsess about all of the moments he will not be here for, we will stay stuck. We will drown in grief for years to come. For us, it doesn't fully matter if he's not here to see our 2 1/2 year old boy yesterday pedal his trike for the first time and exclaim, "Mama! I pedal my bike!! Mama, I did it!" Yes, it would be amazing if his Papa was alive to experience this. But ,in reality it's sad that he's not here for every moment, not only the grand ones. We, as humans torture ourselves. We let the memories drown us. And even more, we let the idea of what the future should have been suffocate us. I will not teach this to my children. I will not suffocate them. When my 2 year old pedaled his bike for the first time yesterday, I did not say sadly to him, "I wish your Papa was here to see this." He's not here. Simple as that. I said to my sweet boy, "You are so strong! You did it all yourself!" I left out me being proud of him and his Papa being proud of him, why? Because he doesn't need that validation. The smile on his face, the pure joy radiating out of his every fiber told me that his intuition told him he did a great thing. His intuition told him he is strong. Never look outward for validation. Look inward. Even at only 2 1/2 years old, my son knows this. I desire for my children to grow up learning to follow their own internal moral compasses. I wish for them to always look inward first for answers to questions they have in life. It's all there. Written in their souls. If they just "know" this, they can never be lost. They will be able to find their way no matter where they are. I will not be afraid some day to set them free out into the world. I will just "know" that they have all the tools within themselves. I will know and be content that I as their Mama bear taught them all about their inner self. I will be content knowing even if they are not holding a compass in their hands when they go off into the forest of their dreams, they have an inner compass to follow.