Gosh, I miss these moments. This boy is now well on his way to being a man and there are no more moments quite like these. I want them back.

~

The last time he ever held my hand flayed my heart completely. Mostly because I didn't know it had been the last time. I found out when reaching for his hand one day and he withheld it, saying, "No, mom, we can't hold hands anymore." And then I died a tiny death.

~

I lobbied for just one more time, just for a few seconds. No dice. I pleaded my case again. I told him it was ok, and that I got it, we couldn't hold hands anymore. But that I just needed a last time; so I could treasure it, soak it up, commit it to memory. Just one more time and I'll know this time is the last and then we can be done. No.

~

A few days later, while we lounged on the couch to a movie, this boy slipped his hand into mine for a fraction of a breath and then pulled it away again. He gave me a last time. I felt my heart mend itself in that moment and then grow a size bigger. I will always remember his compassion and willingness to show it to me that day. It was an even better last time than I had hoped for.

~

When this photo popped up and I went weepy for the loss of these moments, it dawned on me that though I can't have them back, he and I have new and different moments together instead. Different but yet the same. Both things.

~

The close proximity of his person to mine and physical expression of love that I miss were what this boy needed back then. It's how he knew the things he needed to know. That I was there. Available. All in. Full of love and willing to show it. Today, the moments look different but his needs are the same.

~

Today, he says, "Mom, I need a graphing calculator." He texts, "Mom, I need a ride." He asks, "Mom, whatcha cookin' for dinner?" He points to a '94 Ford F150 for sale on the side of the road and explains to me with an urgency I've not seen matched in the world, "Mom, that's the one. I need to go check it out right after school." He asks, "Mom, can you help me write a resumé?" He tells me, "Mom, I want to go hang out with my girlfriend."

~

These moments are of a new quality, but they are also the same. They are moments he needs me to show up in. And when I do, it's how he knows what he needs to know. That I am here, in the new ways he needs me to be. Available. All in. Fuller even of love and willing to roll with what it all looks and feels like now.

~

I still want those old moments back, never will I not. But these new moments are of the same kind. They ARE hugs and hand-holding. It just took me a while to realize it. That these too are some good times. Some very good times.