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How to Sleep Train Your Baby in 33 Easy Steps

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I might be a little fuzzy on what sleep training is, but I know it's important to start early. Not too early, though. I recommend starting when your baby is two to three days old. Depending on when you come home from the hospital. However, if you are feeling really ambitious, you can print out this plan and give it to your hospital nursery nurse. They love getting unsolicited advice and it's good for baby to have consistency right from day one. But don't worry too much about consistency and starting early, you can always catch up later. The important thing is to bond with baby in his or her early days. But keep in mind that you can never catch up. So it's important to start sleep training early. Preferably yesterday or the day before.

Also, truly effective sleep training is a two-person job. You need to work as a team. If you have three, four, or five people on your team, that's even better. Feel free to divvy up the tasks on the following list as you see fit. Play to your individual strengths. Each individual brings different sleep training skills to the table. You just have to unlock those skills, allow them to shine in the dark of night, and let them blossom like a well-watered rose bush.

Finally, please stick to the plan! Do not skip or add steps. Unless you want to or you don't really care about your child. Consistency! Consistency! Consistency! Baby loves reliable routines and sleeping in your arms. Since you're not willing to give her the latter, because you're too busy or whatever, the least you can do is give her the former.

And here we go...

  1. When she cries, pick her up
  2. Feed her
  3. Put her back in bed
  4. Pick her back up
  5. Rock her for about 30 minutes
  6. Put her back in bed
  7. Pick her back up
  8. Hold her and walk around the room, first clockwise, then counterclockwise
  9. Feed her
  10. Drop the bottle
  11. Try to find it in the dark
  12. Give up
  13. Throw the burp cloth
  14. Find the bottle under the bed, on the other side, like ten feet away
  15. Feed her
  16. Put her back in bed
  17. When she cries, pick her up
  18. What were we trying to do again?
  19. Feed her
  20. Give her a pacifier
  21. Drop the pacifier on the floor
  22. After searching in the dark for fifteen minutes, find the pacifier right at your feet covered in dog hair
  23. Fall asleep holding her
  24. Drop the empty bottle
  25. Wake up 2 hours later
  26. Figure out where you are, find her bed, put her in it
  27. Are we done yet?
  28. Fall asleep
  29. Wake up
  30. Change her diaper
  31. Do something else
  32. Make a list
  33. Sleep training complete

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