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How to be at your most Ineffective

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If you want to succeed in life, or parenting, you’ve got to have a plan. Not only that, but you’ve got to have a good plan. And above all that, you’ve got to have a good plan that works. Not that I have any of that kind of stuff. But since I’m just marking time until I’m thrown out of my apartment for non-payment of rent, I thought I’d share the secret of my interesting life with all who care to read on --

Focus on food, not time

Never mind that important board meeting -- go get a bacon and cheese Butterburger! Blow off meeting with your accountant for a double dip cone at Baskin Robbins. Anybody can make money -- but how many people can get indigestion before breakfast?

Focus, schmocus!

Only a prissy martinet has room in their brain for one idea at a time -- I always try to cram my head with as many worthless facts and trivialities as possible so I can -- hey look, that stain on my carpet looks like Elvis!

Write everything down

That way I can toss it when no one’s looking. It’s a great feeling -- almost as good as when I pick my nose at a job interview.

Procrastination is the root of all fun

Here’s the best way to procrastinate: You just . . . nah, I’ll write it tomorrow.

Make time for important things

Like kumquat tipping and bowling with bricks. There’s never a good reason to go home to your family. They understand -- you just gotta be free! I can sleep just as well on a park bench as on my own coffee table at home.

Forget names, places, and dates

A blank mind is a productive mind. If something is really important write it on your arm and don’t ever shower again.

Hold lots of meetings

Go into conference as often as possible. That’s how I get all my bottled water and snacks for free.

Do the easy and unimportant things first

Then you’ll never have time for the important stuff, which usually involves hurting someone’s feelings or taking their money. Small may be beautiful, but trivial is always eithical.

Develop an office romance

I mean besides falling in love with yourself. Start stalking someone in your office and you’ll soon find yourself in all sorts of HR-mandated classes and won’t have to do another lick of work again for years.

Don’t delegate -- relegate!

File away everything marked urgent someplace where you’ll never go to again -- like your Aunt’s photos of her cute cat. Or simply delete. If the government wants to retrieve it to take you to court they can dig it up somehow. Let them worry about it.

Wear white gloves

It makes you look classy and eccentric at the same time. Chances are you won’t be bothered by your boss or co-workers for anything but fire drills. Plus, when you tell people you have a skin disease that makes you wear them, you won’t have to waste any time shaking hands anymore.

Fifteen hours of sleep a day -- max!

Eight hours of sleep is just enough to make it to the living room for a nap. Ten hours a day will turn you into a zombie in not time. But a full fifteen hours of sack time each day will leave you refreshed and wondering how to pay your bills.

Stop reading idiotic pieces like this

I only wrote the darn thing so I could get paid by a native marketing outfit that wants to put in some commercial links. You think I’d waste my time on this drek otherwise? I’ve got to go catch up on my sleep!

And by the way, there’s not even fifteen ideas here. Who’s got that much energy? Not me.

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