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Clean Up Your Act: An Open Letter to My Kids, and Probably Yours, Too

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Hey Kids!

Mom here. I don't mean to air out our dirty laundry on social media, but well, that's close to the only place you'll read anything that hasn't been assigned to you. I'll try to make this short, as I realize how busy you must be.

I'd like to put a little hamper on an issue we're having.
It's something that's causing a little static friction in our home.
I don't mean to press the situation, but we need to iron it out.

You guessed it—LAUNDRY. You're so quick!

Despite what you may have been told, I'd like to spend my day doing something other than your laundry, whaaaaaaaaaaat?!?!

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By my calculations, you must have a skewed understanding of how laundry works. Believe it or not, when clean, folded laundry touches air, it does not instantly become dirty again! Gasp!

Clothing must be worn (sometimes more than once!) before returning to its beloved holding ground of the hamper, or even worse, on the floor beside the hamper. I know, I know. It's a shock, but hear me out.

When clothes are tried on, or worn for just one of your five daily costume changes, unless you had a rigorous workout at a sporting practice or game, you can fold and wear it again.

THIS IS HOW THE RULES UNFOLD-Underwearsocks = hamperSpillsstains = hamperBad smells = hamperEverything else = PUT IT AWAY

When I say, "Clean your room," that does not mean stockpile the hamper! I'm on to you my friend—and I'm over it.

"BUT THAT'S GROSS," you spew. Let me point something out:

If I didn't remind you to brush your teeth each day, you wouldn't—that's gross.

If I didn't insist you wash your hands, you wouldn't—that's gross.

If I didn't remind you to use a tissue, you might not—that's gross.

If I didn't tell you to check the date on food, you'd eat it—that's gross.

So as charming as you suddenly striving for sanitary sanctitude is—

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Just because you touched it doesn't mean it's dirty. I'm sick of washing your fuc&ing clothes.

So lean in and listen hard, because it's no longer all coming out in the wash.

You will start helping out around here and I will like it.
(When I'm happy, you're happy—remember that!)

Fold your damn clothes, and put them away.
If you can do this, without them ending up on the floor and in the hamper before their time—I will help you. I help you, you help me.

You're old enough to have a phone.
You're old enough to hang out downtown.
You're old enough for social media.
You're old enough to do your laundry.

I look forward to you getting home from school to show you how it's done! Should that not sink in, I'm happy to make a video tutorial to post for you and your friends—and it might look something like this! We wouldn't want that now, would we?

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Run along my sweet children. You've got some cleaning to do!

Sincerely,

Mom

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