As amazing as it is to play outside after work because there is still light in the sky, the process of getting to that point can be painful. Lucky for you, I have come up with simple steps for success. As long as your definition of success is very, very loose.
1. Start sometime in January. By adjusting one minute per day it’ll be easy peasy.
2. After three weeks, realize you were moving the wrong direction. Spring forward, fall back. Or is it fall forward and spring back? Do the Hokey Pokey? Draw clocks on pieces of paper to try to figure it out while wondering if there is an app for that.
3. Start over by secretly adjusting the clocks 15 minutes every day of the preceding four days. Forget you did that and arrive late to work. Or early — you’re still not sure.
4. Try to limit screen time. I don’t know why — it’s required advice for all parenting lists.
5. Start bedtime Saturday afternoon by serving breakfast for dinner at 3:00 pm. If you really confuse them, maybe they won’t notice that it’s still light outside.
6. Rig up an elaborate system of black-out shades in the bedroom. It will involve aluminum foil, school glue, and your salty, salty tears.
7. Forget to change the clock in the kids’ room. Wonder who thought it was a good idea to teach the big one to tell time.
8. Fall asleep on the floor while trying to wait them out. Wake up at 10:00 pm with a sharpie mustache and an audience of bald Barbies having a tea party.
9. Turn on “educational” TV when they wake up at 5:45 on Sunday morning. Let Dora babysit until you can face your failure.
10. Conclude that on Monday it will be the teacher’s problem. Make mental note to buy all the teachers gift cards to liquor store.
Rhiannon Giles is an overwhelmed mother who only occasionally considers giving her children to the circus. She has a sarcasm problem and writes regularly at rhiyaya.com. To keep up with new posts and see some of her favorites, join her on Facebook and Twitter.